I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
