i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
