You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
