I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
