i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
