I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
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i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
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I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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