I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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