please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
