o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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