I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
