I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
