Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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