If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
