Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
