bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
