so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
