just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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