I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
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i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
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we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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