had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
