I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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