And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
