he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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