I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
