I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
