the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
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