The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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