I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
