she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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