I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
