I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
