Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
