She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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