I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
