did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
