like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
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I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
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My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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