a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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