I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
