New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Boobs speak an international language.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
