she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
