my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
