There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Randomize
