we have officially mastered the walk of shame
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I am one with the molecules
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
