I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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