How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize