I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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