im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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