So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
