he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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