Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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