no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
