please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
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He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
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Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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