apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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