dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
