you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
