Swine flu. Run for my life!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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