There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
