he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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