Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
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