he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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