omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
