then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
